Julian & Lia Page 3

  The party is on the same street as Vanessa and Julian's purple house, and for a second, excitement surges through me at the thought that maybe, coincidentally, that's where the party is. Maybe I'll get to hang out with Julian or, more likely, watch him disappear into his room with that tall, blonde girl. But we head further down the block, and I feel both disappointed and relieved as I hurry with Greer down the sidewalk to the house, from which music and people spill out onto the street. Inside, Greer pulls me through the living room and into the kitchen, stopping in front of two preppy looking guys, the kinds who always have girls like Greer with them, and hugging one of them.

  "Danny! Joel!" she exclaims, her voice at least two octaves higher than normal. "We found you!"

  The house is loud from music and people talking and laughing, and I'm nervous about making a good impression, especially when Greer and Danny immediately start some pretty hardcore close-talking with each other, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I stand there for a few seconds, feeling awkward.

  "Here," yells Joel over the din, handing me a drink.

  "What is it?" I ask, but he shakes his head and shrugs like he can't hear me.

  I take a sip. It tastes like fruit punch mixed with alcohol. No, it tastes like alcohol with a splash of fruit punch thrown in. Not that I've had alcohol before, but I know immediately that's what this is. Each sip makes me grimace, but I force down a few. Joel smiles and gives me the thumbs up sign, and I pretend he's funny and clever. The truth is, the novelty of being at my first college party is waning as quickly as it began. The music is too loud, there are too many people, and even though I guess Joel is cute, it's not like we can even talk to each other over the noise of the party. He has short brown hair, jelled up to look like he's in a boy band, and he's wearing a pair of faded jeans and a short sleeved polo shirt. Every few minutes he glances at me and smiles, then goes back to scanning the room and bopping in time to the music. I try to imitate him, try to pretend I'm like Greer, who seemed comfortable the second she walked in the door, but what I really want? To be alone in my dorm room.

  Joel slides an arm over my shoulder casually, and even though he doesn't do the whole yawn-and-stretch routine, it reminds me of that, like he's so obviously trying out a move. If this is what hooking up is like, maybe I really wasn't missing much. This is just awkward and weird, and though I try to summon up some attraction for him, I can't do it. He's just some guy. Not gross. Not awful. But not Julian. Who I'm trying my hardest not to think about.

  "Let's dance," says Joel, raising his voice to be heard over the music.

  I hold up my drink and shrug as if to say, "Sorry, can't dance with this in my hand."

  "Bottoms up!" he shouts over the music, gesturing for me to finish it.

  What the hell, I think and gulp it down. It's warmish now, so the alcohol tastes more like, well, like alcohol. I grimace. Joel laughs, then pulls me into the living room where people are dancing. It probably won't come as a surprise that I haven't done much dancing in my life, and I'm nervous about what I’m supposed to do. But the music is loud, and the drink I just had makes me relaxed and loose. And, apparently, Joel doesn't have any fancy moves in mind, because he grabs me, holds me close, and we rock back and forth, a weird and slightly awkward slow dance to fast music.

  When the song ends, Joel leads me back to the kitchen and brings me another drink. It's the same fruit punch stuff, but this one is cold and fresh, and I sip it way more quickly than my previous one.

  "Where's Greer?" I ask Joel, shouting over the music. I'm not sure what the unspoken rules of college parties are, if we're supposed to stick together since we came to the party together. "Should we find them?" I ask.

  "Nah." Joel winks. "I don't think they want to be found."

  A group of people who were laughing loudly in the corner exit into the living room, and Joel suddenly pulls me by the hand into a small open pantry off the kitchen. He leans back against a shelf stocked with flour and other baking supplies. The Pillsbury Doughboy smiles down at me from a box of cake mix while Joel puts his hands on my upper arms and draws me to him. His breath on my neck smells like alcohol and feels wet on my skin. I shift, trying to loosen his grasp on my arms.

  "Hey," he says. "What's wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I respond, but it’s a total lie. The music is too loud, even here in the kitchen, the punch is making me feel a little queasy, and mostly, I don’t want to be stuck in a pantry with some guy I just met.

  “You're really pretty, you know that? Greer said you were quiet, but she didn't mention how hot you are."

  I've never had a guy tell me I was hot before, but somehow it isn't as exciting as I'd thought it would be, at least not coming from Joel. I smile politely up at him, already planning what excuse I'll use to get out of here as quickly as possible, but he mistakes it for an invitation and leans down, pressing his lips to mine. They're dry, and his tongue is hard, trying to pry open my lips, and I feel one of his hands snake down my back and grab my butt, pressing me into him. Gross! I pull back quickly.

  "Bathroom," I say, rushing away from Joel and out of the kitchen.

  I push through the crowd dancing in the living room until I reach the front door. On the front porch, I take in a deep breath, and my nausea disappears almost instantly. I don't even mind being chilly; I'm just so glad to be outside and away from everything. All the people who were outside partying on the porch earlier are gone, probably to avoid the cold, except for one lone guy sitting on the bottom stair.

  My gaze fixes on him.

  "Julian," I gasp, then wrap my arms around myself to stave off the cold that I'm starting to feel.

  He stands and turns, leaning against the hand rail, a wry and cocky look on his face.

  "Hi,” I continue. “I'm, you know, at this party? I'm just getting some fresh air?" I hate that when I'm nervous so many of my sentences end up sounding like questions, the way Greer always talks. I think it makes me seem dumb, but I can't help the things that come out of my mouth when I feel panicked. Like I do right now.

  Julian cocks his head and says nothing, but his eyes are this weird mixture of emotions, like he's laughing at me while being angry too.

  "It's hot in there, and you know, I just needed a break." I'm babbling. Again.

  "Good party?" he asks.

  "Yep. It's great."

  "You really think so? Because I've been to my share of parties like that. They get old pretty fast."

  "Yeah, well, you had your chance to be a freshman. This is my chance. And obviously you couldn't handle it or you wouldn't have failed Film Studies." I practically gasp as the words leave my mouth, realizing how antagonistic and rude they are, but Julian seems unfazed.

  "I could handle myself," he says. "You? You don't even look like yourself."

  He noticed how I look! I try to put my arms down at my sides so he can really see me, but I'm shivering now in the cold night air.

  "I think I look pretty good," I say.

  "I think you've been drinking."

  "So you don't think I look good?" I know I sound like a petulant child, but I can't help myself.

  "Right now, I don’t really care how you look," he says, and I only focus on the "right now" part. Does that mean that at other times he does care how I look? And what does that mean?

  "Here, put this on," he continues, taking off his hoodie and handing it to me just as Joel comes out with Greer and her boyfriend.

  "There you are, Lia," says Joel, his gaze settling on Julian. Slowly, I insert my arms into Julian's sweatshirt and pull it around me, my fingers cold as I zipper it up. It's so warm, and I think about how the warmth lingering in the fabric is actually heat from his body. "Let's go back to the party," says Joel, stepping down another stair closer to me.

  "Lia was just leaving," says Julian.

  "She's here with me," says Joel, but his voice is slightly whiny, and I can tell he's intimidated by Julian. With the two of them standing near each other, it's o
bvious how much older Julian looks and seems than Joel and Danny.

  "Yeah, well, she's leaving with me." Julian grabs my forearm somewhat possessively, and a jolt of excitement courses through me.

  "Whatever," says Joel, giving me a dirty look and heading back inside.

  "Let me say bye to my roommate," I whisper to Julian, and he lets go of my arm.

  "Greer," I say quietly to her as Joel and Danny head back inside. "I'm sorry. I'm just really tired and . . . "

  "Oh. My. God," she whispers. "Who is that guy? He is so freaking hot." She stares at Julian for a few seconds, then her eyes settle on me with a new respect, like she's suddenly seen me in a completely new light.

  "He's just . . . from one of my classes," I reply. "He's just going to walk me back to the dorms."

  "Maybe I better sleep at Danny's tonight," she says with a wink. It takes me a second to understand what she's getting at. Then she too disappears into the house before I can reiterate the fact that Julian and I are, in fact, only friends. If even that.

  "What are you even doing here?" I ask Julian.

  "Waiting for you."

  Oh my god. "What are you talking about?"

  He shrugs. "I saw you walking by earlier with your roommate. I had a feeling you wouldn't stay long. Vanessa said I should take you home."

  I sigh, deflated. Of course Vanessa was involved; Julian wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. But despite feeling a little disappointed, it makes me happy too that she cares enough to be worried about me.

  "Let's go," he says, and I meekly follow him down the stairs.

  "Where are we going?" I ask. I’m walking as fast as I can to keep up with his long stride, and I can’t help entertaining the thought that maybe Julian will take me to his house. It would be the perfect place to warm up.

  "I'm walking you back to your dorm," he says, the "duh" unspoken but definitely clear.

  "Oh." Of course he's taking me back to my dorm. It was ridiculous to think he’d take me back to his place. I look good tonight, but I’m not tall or leggy or blond like the girl in his room the other day.

  We walk in silence the few blocks back to the building where I live. I expect him to leave me at the front door, but instead he waits till I key in, then follows me up the stairs and down the hallway to my room. Outside my door I look at him, trying to gauge his expression, but I can't figure him out. The best I can tell is that he looks mad, like I've done something wrong. Whatever. Let him be weird and pouty.

  "Oh," I say, remembering his sweatshirt. With regret, I unzip it and slide my arms out, handing it to him. "Here." When he takes it, I feel goosebumps on my arms and rub them, trying to warm myself up. "You can come in," I say as I open my door, and as soon as the words are out of my mouth, I wish I could take them back. Why would Julian want to come into my room?

  "I shouldn’t," he says, but then I hear the door close, and when I turn to look he's in my room.

  I left my desk lamp on, and it's the only light in here, casting a warm glow but leaving shadows in all the corners, and I stand next to my bed, nervous and excited. Why is Julian in my room? And: Holy crap! Julian's in my room!

  "Look," he says in a harsh voice, "you need to be careful. Parties and drinking are fun, but there are a lot of assholes out there."

  Yeah, like you, I think. "What, are you the president of the campus Safety Patrol or something? I can take care of myself," I reply in a bold outburst. Maybe it's the punch making me more outspoken than usual, but there's something else, something rising inside of me, a mix of anger and desire and confusion about what to do with it all.

  "Really." It's not a question. "I'm willing to bet anything that this is the first time you've ever had anything to drink."

  "So?"

  "So, that guy you were with? He would have taken advantage of you the first second he got an opportunity."

  "I wouldn't have given him one," I reply indignantly.

  "Just . . . don't be stupid."

  "Whatever. Anyway, guys aren't interested in me like that. Ever. So check that off your list of worries for tonight." I'm coming off the alcohol, and I feel sad and tired, the excitement of my first real college experience contrasting with reality in a nasty way.

  "Lia?" he says slowly, "you have no idea what you're talking about." His voice is so low, and his eyes, those green eyes, are staring right at me. If I didn't know better, I might think it's desire I see in them, but obviously that can't be right. Not Julian. Still, I feel something change in the room, an energy I've never felt before. He's only a few steps away from me, and something about his physical closeness makes me nervous, even though absolutely nothing is happening.

  "You have no idea what you're talking about," I mutter.

  "Didn't you see the way that guy was looking at you at the party? Everyone was. The way you look right now . . . "

  "Oh please. Guys don't check me out. Trust me. I've never had a boyfriend. And you don't have to worry about me getting drunk and, like, sleeping around. As a matter of fact? I've never even . . . " I stop short. Great. I practically just told him I'm a virgin. Not like he couldn't figure it out on his own, but still.

  "I don't need to hear this," he says, but he takes a step closer to where I stand next to my bed. "I just wanted to make sure you got back to your room safely."

  "I'm not your little sister."

  "I never said you were." He takes another step closer with his long legs so he's standing right in front of me, so near I can feel the heat from his body even though not a single part of him is touching me. I inhale his scent, like soap or deodorant or some other mysterious male smell I can’t identify.

  Neither of us moves for a few seconds; we just stare at each other, like we're in some sort of standoff. My heart's pounding. I lick my lips nervously, and I hear him breathe in sharply. Because I licked my lips? I open my mouth slightly, just the tiniest bit, to see what effect that has. This time he breathes out a low growl.

  "I shouldn't be here right now." The words are gruff, but his fingers gently finding my wrist say otherwise, running up the inside of my arm, and I shiver from his touch, from the sudden spiral of desire spinning inside me. Then he leans down, his body still a few inches from me, and lowers his lips to mine softly. For a second, our lips touch, nothing more.

  He pulls away slightly and licks his lips, starts to turn, as if to leave the room. But then he stops and stands completely still, indecision written in the hard set of his jaw as he hesitates.

  He's going to go, I think, disappointment crushing me.

  Then, suddenly, he moves quickly back toward me.

  "Fuck it," he growls and his hands are on my lower back, his mouth on mine again but harder now, forceful. Tentatively I step forward so our bodies are touching and feel, to my shock and new desire, how hard he is as he presses into my stomach. He takes my face in his hands as he kisses me, his lips hungry. My mouth opens to his searching tongue. He tastes like dark chocolate and mint.

  I’m weightless, dizzy with desire and disbelief. This is happening. This is really happening!

  Without warning, he lets go and steps backward. When he looks at me, his face is tight and angry again.

  "Julian," I whisper. "That . . . "

  He interrupts. "Is never going to happen again."

  And he leaves, slamming the door behind him.

  Chapter Three

  Ever since the party, Greer's had a new interest in me. She's not even annoyed that I left with Julian instead of staying with Joel, and she's dying to learn more about Julian and, I assume, why he's hanging around with me.

  "Like, he's a senior?" she asks, for at least the fifth time.

  I nod.

  "And you guys are just friends?"

  I nod again. I wish I could say we're more than friends—I wish we were more than friends—but the truth is he's just a guy in my class. A guy who kissed me like the world was ending the other night, then stomped off like I'd done something wrong.

  "
He's, like, totally hot. You know that, right?"

  "No, I didn't notice."

  For a second she doesn't realize I'm joking. I guess she assumes I'm so clueless that I can't even recognize a good looking guy when I see one. I'm fairly sure if she and Danny hadn't started seriously dating after the party, she'd be asking me to set her up with Julian, or at least introduce them.

  Since the party—and that amazing kiss in my dorm room—we had one class together, and he pretty much just ignored me. He sat next to me, but no more pulling my desk to his. I thought maybe after class he'd wait for me and we could walk out together, but he was up and gone in a second, before I'd even had a chance to consider if I should try to talk to him or not.

  It's hard not to be disappointed. It's impossible to forget the way his lips felt on mine. Of course, it's also hard to forget how angry he seemed when he left. And not just left. He actually slammed the door behind him. And he thinks I'm too young.

  I'm sitting in my room, in the middle of a funk, when there's a knock at the door. I can't help hoping it's Julian, there to profess his true love for me. Or at least to kiss me again, to take my breath away like he did last time. But when I open it, it's Vanessa instead. I'm glad to see her, though, because I like her and because she's so contagiously positive, and I try to hide the guilt I feel about kissing her brother a few nights ago. Her smile immediately makes me happier, and her green eyes—just like Julian’s—are sparkling.

  "Lia, you need to get out! Wanna come over and watch some bad TV?"

  "I'd love to," I say, pulling on my old wool sweater and following her out.

  "How've you been?" she asks as we walk down the street to her house.

  "OK."

  "How come you haven't been by? I told you to come by any time."

  "I don't know. I didn't want to bother you or anything."

  "Shut up, Lia. You’re never a bother. And I was a freshman too once. I lived in that same crappy dorm. I mean it when I say that if you need to get away, just come over. Got it?"

  I smile and nod. It’s nice to feel wanted, to have an open invitation to just stop by any time I want.